One Year of Being Diagnosed with ADHD
So, it's been one year since I was diagnosed with ADHD, and I've learned a lot about myself in this past year, and how to deal with some of the issues that stem from the ADHD. While they haven't all been resolved, I'm happy to say I'm in a better frame of mind than I...
Holy shit I haven't related to something so much in a long time. Specifically the bit on rejection:
The initial thing was rejection sensitivity dysphoria, which is a symptom felt by an immense amount of pain and distress after feeling rejected for any reason, even from legitimate criticism.Â
And the part about perfectionism:
I was giving into perfectionism all the time, and the one telltale sign was that I was distro-hopping. I’m so damn happy to be on Windows 11 right now, and it’s because Linux was actually dangerous for my psyche. See, Linux operating systems work as “distributions” or “distros” which package the Linux kernel up with a bunch of software for a use case (desktop, server, embedded, etc.), and for me I kept looping between two tinkerer-oriented distros: Arch and Gentoo. Anyone who knows those two know they can be tedious, with Gentoo being the more tedious one back then as you needed to compile the software from readable code to something a computer can run.Â
I'm exactly the same in these two respects. I've been actively working on it for years, but I've never realized perfectionism and being absolutely wrecked by any kind of rejection whatsoever correlated so much with neurodivergence. I don't think I have ADHD; I'm definitely autistic, and I'm on meds (that make me sweat buckets) for anxiety and depression, but I don't have trouble focusing so much as the other things mentioned in this post.
I thought I was just weird for stressing about things like how the icons vs the rest of the UI on my laptop or phone don't look absolutely perfect to my arbitrary standards of how a computer should look on that particular day. I've spent days writing and revising blog posts I really care about, and then I'll notice one section doesn't flow right, the whole thing comes crashing down and I scrap it all. Same with Linux distros too! I've hopped between Ubuntu, Pop OS, Debian, Kubuntu, KDE Neon, NixOS, and other distros over the most inconsequential shit.
I have a dying laptop, so it's been collecting dust with an outdated version of vanilla Debian on it for a few months... It's just me and my iPhone Air for now, which sorta lines up with how Flaky says they're getting so much out of Windows after leaving Linux.
A little over a year ago, I left Micro.blog after I was too OCD about how so many different features were all so intertwined and would glitch out in ways that affect things no one will ever notice. I spent more time coding different parts of that blog than I ever spent writing. I took some time off and eventually started up another site on Bear Blog, but it was only a matter of time before I started tweaking the CSS every day instead of writing posts. Is this purple accent too purple? I like this one better, but it's almost a knockoff of the purple they use for the Mastodon logo. This is a cool header font, but does it pair perfectly with a monospace body font?
I totally get it.
Now that I'm on Leaflet, I get how they feel switching from a static site generator to Wordpress, too:
Some things took a bit of time though. I am still prone to overthinking, but the Elvanse does help get me into a state where I can pull myself out quicker. It’s why I’ve moved from Linux to Windows, and from static site generators where I wasn’t really writing much of anything because of the friction, to WordPress where I’m now writing my bloody heart out. I’ve become more of a pragmatist, at the cost of being “allergic” to a lot of ideology and ideological behaviour.
Since moving here, I'm blogging almost every day. Not that that's super healthy; being so online all the time. But I have a lot of downtime at work and blogging gives me confidence, oddly enough. It gives me a space to say what I want to say, share links I'm reading every day; it gives me some sense of accomplishment. Instead of just reading all day, scrolling endless shortform videos and playing Nintendo games, I'm working on something a little more productive. Or at least less hollow.
I don't know where I'm going with this post at this point, aside from really vibing with what Flaky talked about in theirs. Being diagnosed with what's ailing you, and then getting treatment can be life changing.
Sometimes just hearing you're not crazy; that other people go through some of the same shit as you can really put things into perspective. In a good way.
Glad you're doing better these days, Flaky!